I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
