also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
