My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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