can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
