I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They have beer where we have blood.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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