god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize