The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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