Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And then the night went full on bisexual.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
