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It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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