the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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