You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize