Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
