I am puke
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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