Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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