look no pants
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My ass is underappreciated
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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