My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
