First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
