this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
