I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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