Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
