can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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