I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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