i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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