I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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