I need help removing her.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
