the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
