Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
