For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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