There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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