he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
