and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize