My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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