I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
