I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
