Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
