Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's shark week go big or go home
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize