make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
