Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
