i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
