It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Randomize