I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
