I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
