She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
