Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
