Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
