I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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