i love accidental penises.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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