i think i scared a bird with my dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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