I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
