Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
