woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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