I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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