Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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