***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
