I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
