I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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