the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
